not trying to impress anyone

it's been a while eh? I guess I get in mindsets which disallow me from bothering to write anything here. Plus I've had some hard times, which I often dont want to express - well - anywhere.

But things , such as, and you know, stuff! is getting better. Blah blah with health issues and let me be the first to congratulate myself on getting that personal loan which ahhhh, has eased my mind at least.
I officially have NO credit card debt!
DID YOU HEAR ME ? WORLD, ANYONE? YAAHHHH I HAVE NO CREDIT CARD DEBT !

so commonwealth bank, you can kiss my "I owe you" arse forever .... smmmoooooch !

It made me feel somewhat smug to see one of those awful Today tonight reports on CREDIT CARD DEBT gone out of hand on TV the other night... if I didn't so easily rememeber that I myself have been one of the million fools in this country to succumb to the wildly insane black holes of eternal debt these rectangles of plastic can be -
'you who are without sin, cast the first stone'... well, my stone is still firmly in my pocket so I have no cause for smugness.

But it does feel good oK? Can I at least have that safe knowledge that I do have ZERO balance on my CCard. I was amazed watching the report how, if a person makes only the minimum repayements it can take 20yrs to pay of two grand? Doh! If a person pays double that, can pay it off in 2 yrs... no rocket science here. Even I understood that, and my weakness has always been figures and science.
NOT so much now... now Im embracing numbers and making them dance to MY tune - instead of them bedazzling me, confusing me, causing me the kind of numerical dyslexia that has plagued me my whole life. No, its true...

Ty came over to borrow fifty bucks off me before.

Disheartened.

I gave it to him with stipulations. Nobody else I'd give stipulations to. But I feel responsible for his sense of responsibility. He's 20 now, he needs to be. He is broke... had days off - yah, I know about that.

Mia wants a boyfriend... she is so good looking, willowy, funny.... its not like she hasnt the currency but she is so picky. Don't get me wrong, Im glad she is. But I understand her need to be loved... its healthy. I need to be loved... but find my love from family, friends and God. Im older... Im different.

Jem is away at Sydney. Missing him - we are going away though, this weekend... up the northern coast. He is my left hand man then... my gilligan.... and Im counting the days. Ty was never that - Ty is my father - expecting me to give, but not giving in return. A few crumbs... not caring. But I am still loyal and my love still burns. Go figure... its in the permanent ink of my make up.. as it should be.

Dee and I went and saw a cheesy american movie last night. Some kids threw lollies at me twice.. in the end I found a half sucked chupa chup and tossed it back... it hit them. Ha! Lets play !!! I know I suprised them... hee hee.

Dee and I are such good pals... I laugh alot with her, I make her laugh... we are two adult 12 yr olds sometimes. Its cool

Im plodding on ...

Im publicly having a holiday

Australia day holiday today -!
It's great having a day off, although I have very loose plans. Am meeting Dee down at her place this arvo for a beach walk - with her niece which will be nice! I'm not doing the whole bar-b-que thing with any extended family or group of friends as the Aussie advertising media assume every Australian is doing today. We dont all live cliches...
For one, my family is too scattered over the place, in different states, and my friends, only a handful are mostly at work today or I'm just not sure - I don't call them every second day. Jem is up at his dads of course and Mia is at her boyfriends. Ty may pop over but Im not sure, in a way, I just want some time to myself - Ive been OH SO busy at work.

Last night had the evening to myself, for once I just watched TV, which I dont do that often.. but watched English comedy on ABC. And also Judging Amy - which is one of the rare female orientated shows on commercial TV. I find most commercial stations' content are male drive, male chosen. Prime time TV is usually cops and robbers, violence, crime, and a whole host of shows from the USA which are ridiculous and annoying to watch. I also HATE ads, which I've mentioned before -
I think Advertising agencies are worse than ever and churn out the most stupidest and insulting and irritating adverts year by year. I love my mute button, but even moreso, I prefer the ABC which doesnt have ADS. One of the worst ads is that Aussie guy who promotes HOLDEN which is nasal ugly aussie drawl - his voice is like a whining cow.

I watched AD-Fab and the english comedy after that 'Wild west'... which is hilarous and makes me laugh out loud. My daughter asked me to tape 'the bachelor' for her... *blush, to which Im ashamed to have done. Luckily it was the last ep.

I've had a tough week this week - just stuff with my ex and Jem up in Sydney - he is coming down friday night to mine and we have the whole weekend together. He's made new friends at school which is immensly cheering news. I knew he would, he's such a personable kid. Really.
I spent last sunday with my eldest son Ty and my Father, "Mr magoo" ... who bumbled his way thru our visit and out to lunch - and suprised me by eating a Mcdonalds ice cream cone after lunch like a little kid - I didnt even think he ate ice cream anymore. Ty and I had donuts for dessert - but I was stuffed after my Laksa. It was too spicy too...
I was amazed Ty went out with Dad and me - Ty is 20 and usually finds his Grandfather way to dull and monotonous. I do too of course, but he's my Da - so I must make the effort. Ty explained his plans for saving up for going to the UK next Feb - I hope he does! he'd have a good time.... and made me think I'd get him a brilliant back pack for his travels for his 21st present this June.

I think 21st birthdays should be phased out however - they are a tradition which seems now redundant. 18th's are the ones which open the key to the door these days - able to vote and get drunk ! by 21, its all been done and opened up for good.
Yet we seem to still make a big deal of them - even Ty wonders what all the fuss is about. For his 18th I bought him a DvD player .. then a year later he owed me a few hundred dollars so said I could have the DvD player back as payment in leiu of - I agreed. So much for that tradition... and Ty isnt sentimental at ALL. So the back pack is a good choice because itskind of a 'big' gift, but not overly sentimental.

Im getting my hair cut next tuesday night. I wish I could be brave and get something alot more trendier - but then I think of the maintenece involved in really trendy haircut, the trims, the blowdrying each day or ironing etc.. wheras now I just put it up in a messy bun and be done with it. I will get layers... but below the putting up in a bun line at the back of my head. I look at women my age, and most of them have shorter do's - I only have just below the shoulder, but I think a short 'do' would make me look severe and also plain and dull.
However, dont want to keep trying to look too young - I dont think I am. Mia assures me I look right for my age bracket. and she's so damn stylish I trust her opinion.

better get on with my australia day -

cackling chaos

At work (today,) there is this co-worker of mine who has this very distinctive GIGGLE. And its a 'HE' who has this giggle. It's more like a chuck, chuck, chuckle which squeaks and bounces down the hallway, off and on all day. Now, how terrible do I feel because this chuckly irritates me? It's not like he's being a jerk, or he is in any way annoying. It's just the giggl slash chuckle. The sound of it is like a wheezy puffing clown on drugs...
This particular guy is very nice, but now you'll really hate me, he is also slightly disabled. Not majorly. But the guilt I feel over detesting his laughing is really , really dreadful. How can I begrudge a nice, slightly disabled young man, his joy de verve? His very hap-hap-happy all day laughing at work over this little mishap, or that shared joke, or some patient incident which is on the humourous side ?
I do in fact think he;s great.
And its only the SOUND of the actual chuckle which , for some reason, doesn't resonate in my internal aesthetic sound filters. I wish I didnt react like that, I wish my innate noise absorbers found his giggle lovely, and not 'jarring' . Its a little like Jazz music. Some people thrive on the chaos of its obscure harmony.... and others find themselves crosseyed and irritated by the listening of its native mish-mash. A cocophony of notes , so clever.
Same as Art, I personally love modern art with awful bendy lines and thwarted pattens. Yet I know others who hate, hate it and think its crap.
its a personal sense of beauty, as is sounds.
So on that level my guilt isnt so bad..
but I find myself being jarred internally as he laughy, laughs off and on. And this is NO Good.

BY THE WAY Its the first week without Jem. I called him last night and turns out he isnt coming down to my place for over 2 weeks because they have this 'party' thing to go to... he asked if that was OKay by me. He was worried I'd be upset. Part of me IS upset, I dont know how I'll go not seeing him for that long and I don't like it. However, I said for him NOT to worry and just to do whatever suits him. Still.... I know deep down I'll be so desperate to see him in 2 weekends, I'll be like an addict waiting for a hit.

I'm going to the movies tonite with Mia.
It's half price nite on tuesdays and we are trying to make a habit of it.

pack it in, my holidays over.

Yeah I go back to work tommorow, like loads of other aussies I suppose. I've been fortuate having so much time off, took most of my leave in the last 4 weeks - but this year will have to space it. Now Im the non-custodial parent, I have to take my holidays around when I get Jem. Its ok - it's doable.
Last night Kat and I went out for dinner on the foreshore.. we walked around for AGES trying to find a good resturant. And the stupidest person there, ME... wore these shoes which I knew killed me if I actually walked in them for more than 10 minutes.
These are the culprits of TOE TORTURE
They look nice, but's its decieving. And to add to my misery, so many of the resturants and cafes were either full, or too expensive. We craved real italian pizza, so went to this italian place and they were so aloof and unfriendly - on top of that we were seated at a table right next to a naughty seven year old, and a parent who loudly chastised her on a regular basis. Luckily, the waiter was so slack he took so long to come get our order we left - and walked and walked again... my feet just throbbing with toe pain. O U C H
we finally found a place that offered pizza on the menu, much smaller place and better ambience, and the pizza was GORGEOUS.
After dinner Kat said she wanted to go dancing if my feet could stand it. I did have another pair of shoes in the car, thank GOD ! and so I hobbled all the way back to my car to get them. When I took my shoes off, I saw I had 2 huge , red , weltering blisters on my baby toes. My baby toes had dissapeared behind the redness.

When we got to the club I went to the shop outside and paid THREE DOLLARS for a pack of 10 band-aids. Crazy...
Kat went to park the car, while I administered first aid on myself... in public mind you, I tried to discreetly find this little seat near the door to apply the band-aids... I know I wasn't completley invisible so felt very self concious .. what a dick!
Kat said she'd meet me near the exit, so I found a seat there to wait for her. The minutes ticked by, while I watched the parade of nightlife. Seemed alot of middle aged women wearing dressess meant for 16yr olds.
Well, its summer, summer dressess, high heels... but the dressess were very, skimpy.. ! I saw about three or four women who must've been close to fifty, wearing these really skimpy numbers, all cut away at the back, and cleavage, and short... euwwwch! S C A R Y - wish I'd had my camera.. but I'm thinking that might be illegal to snap them.

(I wore jeans by the way and a top)

Kat took ages to come back and meanwhile, after carefully avoiding eye contact with any guy who came past me, sitting in my spot, this guy plonked himself down next to me and proceeded to 'chat me up'.
He started in the easy first gear .. you know, 'are you a local?' and 'how often do you come here?' ... then the next level he asked me about myself, who I was here with and what kind of night was I having, or wanted to have.... he was getting to the third one of asking me for a dance or buying me a drink when luckily KAT appeared -!! And I quickly said 'seeya' and got her to drag me away. It's hard sometimes in those situations not to be unkind... but I'm usually good at a nice brushoff.
We lined up for 20 mins at the bar - and found a seat to watch the dancefloor.
People watching is fascinating!
I get astounded at how seemingly ordinary people you'd see serving you at the post office or doing your tax accounts just LET FLY on the dancefloor and go all kinda crazy. hee! We got a little hassled by some guys but pretended to be so engrossed in our conversations that they lost interest.
I don't go out to pick up -
but I like to talk to people, however , drunk men are not mine or Kats favourite way to waste time, so we had to be a little harsh. We did talk to a few people on the dance floor and eventually we got up and had a jig ourselves... this one song came on 'Dont'cha wish your girlfriend was HOT like me?'.... lyrics which are totally embarrassing but in their ridiculous-ness we had more fun dancing to that song, just because it was a ridiculous song.

we left about midnite... and overall, it was a good night. We just talked heaps and laughed alot.. which is what I like most about a night on the town. I dont ever go to clubs, once or twice a year.. for me my nights out are usually dinner, movies and hanging with my g/friends. But we'd decided to do some thing different...

TODAY
I went to church with Kat and left soon after... I want to do some stuff today before I go back to work. Get organised... but here I am messing around on the computer.
I got some photo's done for Jem, and Mia is due home from her boyfriends later.

I'm kind of alone today, but not in a bad way. I always feel like Jesus is with me, as lame as that might seem to some ... but thats my faith ,always has been. I like to just sit and think, and be by myself...
tommorow my life will be the chaos at work it usually is... and I'll be surrounded by co-workers and patients, talking, asking , doing ..... so I value the times when nobody is in my space...
And my feet feel so much better today.
Thank goodness for thongs.

summer holidays over


I Start back work on Monday - to what I don't know. It's usually piled up waiting for me when I get back.Lets NOT think about that today.

Bought some new sunglasses yesterday, kind of big ones. Not "Nicole Ritchie" big, but kind of 70's big. Only cheapies.... I don't buy expensive sunnies anymore, you know why - blah blah - the amount of times I sit on them, drop them, ride rollerblades over them ... well... enuf said.
I dated this guy one time who bought me a really expensive pair of RAYBANs... I mean, over $200 and that's five years ago. I wore them for a year or two, but found them 'heavy' on my head. They honestly weren't that comfortable, though the lenses were excellent. Eventually the shape of them looked dated to me, so I threw them in the glovebox and let them die there, until one day I could never find them again. So much for that!
If I had of paid that kind of money for them myself , I may have felt a little cheated. But of course they were a gift.
Since then I've only spent $20 on sunglassess and they last usually a year or so. I don't have any qualms about that.
And nowadays, I dont think I'd accept a gift like that off some guy I'd only known a few weeks. This guy also bought me a microwave oven, a video player, and clothing etc.... again, nowadays I wouldn't accept all that 'stuff'... but I was new to the dating scene back then,.. and just because he had money I figured it was no big deal. However it is a big deal, especially when you break up. No matter all the things he bought me.. he also brought me pain, grief, heartache and many tears and sleepless nights. I'd rather none of it.

I've only been really 'hurt' by him and maybe one other guy in my life. (Excluding my ex-husb) however, having my heart broken, its only happened twice. The sunglasses guy, played me like a fool and being so new to dating and so niave ( after my marriage breakup) I got strung along in confusion before it finally dawned on me, that this guy was a lying heartless moron whom I blindly trusted. Forget the presents!
The other guy was only a year or two ago. I got roped into dating him - by that I mean - he took weeks/months trying to get me into a relationship .... when I did, I started to fall for him, and as soon as I did - he dumped me. I didnt see that one coming.

However, I know I've broken up with guys myself and probably hurt their feelings. A couple spring to mind.... but I also gave them fair warning that I wasnt commmitted.
This last guy, put so much effort into winning me over.. that I was duped into thinking he really was so serious about me. My jaw hit the ground when he gave me this 'I wanna break up with you' card. Two days previously he'd given me an outline of how he wanted our relationship to progress, and how he was SO into seeing where it was going.... blah blah. Anyway.. needless to say, I got over it quickly , but it certainly left a wee scar. Same with Mr sunglassess, no matter it was over five years ago, when I think of him, I feel really pissed at how he messed with me. But I guess nobody can go thru life unscathed by love... I've had I suppose, my fair share, but.. and this is the key, its not ongoing.. I don't keep making mistakes. I make them once and learn from them.

Meanwhile, I'm happy to coast along as a single woman for now. Especially in this year of newly freed from responsibility. There is so much to do! Life is pulling me along by the ear right now, no matter how much I want to sit and wait some more... and just savour my time off over the summer break. I can see the days ahead looming for me to spring into action and make the most of this year... in confidence.
so the sunnies are really apt!

Aussie summer stinker

Back from the beach this Arv'

Yes... Stinking hot!
I forgot to take my camera down to get a beach shot, so five mins in the door, this is my feet.
Jem is slightly burnt of course. Naturally with 3hrs of sunblock. Met Jacksons mum down there. Yapped on the beach, tho, I had a teensy tiny umbrella and felt guilty she couldn't share it. I cannot emphasis how bloody HOT it was. Almost beyond enjoyable, but bearable because the boys had a blast. I had two swims , but the surf was really mucky so spent most of the time swishing my togs under water trying to lodge them back to cover my boobs and bum. J's mum had two other kids as well, all boys, so they whooped it up for ages.. while we spent the time comparing motherly insights.. ho hum... I don't mind, but I also like to chat about other things. She's a pretty nice person tho, no, really nice. I won't say a word against her.
When I got home Jem ran to the shower before me, little bugger! I refuse to go in Mia's shower as its likely infested with spores of mildew grown bacterias. There are at least 23 used shampoo and conditioner bottles and old soaps on the floor of the shower recess and it stinks. So I nagged Jem to be under five minutes or Id get narky and whiny.
My own shower, is perfectly hygenic and clean as a whistle. I emptied half the beach out as I took my swimmers off.... hee!

Was still so bloody humid, put on the aircon which is mainly aimed in the dining, kitchen, family room, and takes a good 20 mins to infiltrate. I run around and close all the hallway doors and curtains, to keep the cool in. Its over an hour later and at last we are feeling the cool and forgot how steamed up we were before.
I cannot live without aircon.

Well, Ok I can live.... but I dont want to live like that if I cant help it.

I have aircon in my home, my car and my place of work. If I can manage it, I only go to aircon shops. So from December to end of Feb, I try and live my life around there places. Isnt always possible, of course. I've spent many a summer in un-airconditioned homes. This place, our little town house, is wonderful... I dont want to move... unless I win lotto.
Last year .. oops, the year previous to that, I lived in a house not only without aircon... but a place which was a heat trap.. no breezes. We had a heat wave that February, and I remember cos it was Jems birthday and my Ma was over from Perth. The temp was up in the 40 degree area and I went up to Woolies and bought bags of ice to put in the spa, (ok it was a spa but pretty small) ... and I put ice in the spa, with cold tap water and kept getting in and out all day. My old mother handled the heat better than me.
I cried on and off, and whined till everyone had enough of me.
my brain fried.

No .. apparently in extreme heat the brain does heat up with the body temperature, which is why headaches , tension, and grumpiness occur. (thats what I told my family, as to excuse me). My kids know I dont handle heat well.
One Xmas I threw a major tantrum about the heat... again, another random aussie heatwave hit christmas day, I was living on the hill then, and we had a pool. But the pool was like a hot bath and the room downstairs was our only reprieve. My eldest son lived in that part of the house, and was a moody adolescent, who BARRED us from venturing into his private Idaho. I insisted we eat Xmas lunch there, as it was a few degrees cooler than upstairs. He said NO! And I was so heated up ... so 'On fire' with the crazy humidity ... I went a little psycho and swore quite alot. And threw things....
My kids still laugh about that day.
hearing mum say 'Fuckin fuckin'
hee!

Spring and Autumn are my favorite seasons. Autumm being No 1. I did a painting about that, will find a pic of it, and post it soon .....

The rest of Wednesday ? I'm on Vacate till monday .. so today Im chillin out.. need some milk at the shop, and will watch Judging Amy , and Bachelor tonite... I know, Bachelor sucks, but Mia insists I watch it with her, as a kind of girl-bonding session.
We have always watched these types of shows together... to bitch about the girls, the guy , the clothes ... fun.
I've never liked any of the Bachelors. They seem like major gaylords to me... this guy who is on now is no different. A living ken doll, who kissess any lips within a 3 mile radius. And gropes... but when some chick does it back to him, without him instigating it, he says
"She's kinda creepy"
This is HIM
all american football star. Jesse Palmer

Okay, okay, at first glance he is kind of good looking. But once you watch him on this show a few times, you realise the he himself ..'is kinda creepy'. A lech really. And by all accounts a player. these shows of course are very lowbrow and really infantile to watch. In fact, a person could be labled a 'loser' just for watching crap like this.
However, I've always maintained that reality TV, (which is really un-reality and very contrived) is a little like junk food. No real nutritional value, empty calories, bad for your health.. but er... kind of fun to sneak.

Having said that .. I hate Big brother, or Popstars... etc... I do like Survivor most of the time.
I find TV anyway is all cops shows, murders, criminals, lawyers and gross sick violence.
So, a pretty spoilt football star taking advantage of a few young wannabe tv stars is No biggie...

Now how did I get onto all that?

oh yeah.. .what Im doing tonite....

Bored boys

Jem in the pool saying "Piss off with the camera Mum!"

Jem has his mate over, and they are both driving me nuts already.. its only 9am. Dammt!
I was thinking the beach today, get them out there, throw them in the surf and pray no sharks come along ...(sic - not thinking of straddie this week) gulp! But tis all rainy, and murky outside. Bit like my mood... fizzle.
Jem goes up to Sydney on Friday nite.... so we have today and tommorow to fill with fun filled 12yr old activities. I said to him before, 'let's go to Target and buy those t-shirts u want' ... and he's all like 'ooh shopping.. B O R I N G ' . Wish he was a girl for today. Im about to send them up the football oval with rules NOT to come back for an hour whilst I nut this one out. I feel responsible today because Jackson, Jem's mate, took Jem ice skating yesterday so I need some level of payback.
Stayed up last night with Mia to watch teen girlie flick 'Sisterhood of the Travelling pants' (jeans?) which was, actually a very nice movie. Four girlfriends, one pair of jeans fits all, swap them around all summer and magic happens! It wasnt the cheesy hollywood type of film, it had the soppy elements but actually was more Maeve Binchy style of story telling with excperpts of life journey vingettes... especially liked the girl who went to the Greek Islands for summer.. oh, after watching that I went to bed fantasizing about ME being over there. Please!

So I had a late one, and woke up this morning with a call from the dentist re-scheduling my next appointent .. oh JOY!

I havent seen any of my friends this week or so. Kell did pop over yesterday afternoon to sit on my back patio, drink tea, smoke winnies, and re-tell me over and over how bloody terrible her mother is. (I agree). I've heard it all before, Kelli's mum treats her like a wayward fifteen year old girl who's off the rails and spends her life drinking, drugging and sleeping with men. Kelli only does HaLF of that .. (ha!)... and still, is nearly thirty years old. Thank Goodness I don't have my mother riding my life like that, she hasnt bothered to tell me what to do since I was thirteen... being the last child out of four, she was more or less done with it all, by the time my puberty hit.
Kelli and I were supposed to go out last night to the cinema.. but change of plans since I had Jem early. Her son is coming home Friday, so we didnt cross over with child free times. My friend Amy left a message. And I'm I'm going out with Kat on Saturday night.... so yes, I will get my life back.

But wot to do today ?
Maybe I should do the beach..? At least its cheaper than the shopping mall. I know if I go to the mall I'll be roped into buying stuff I dont want to. I just wish I had a good book to read.. I'm all out. Both boys just refused to go kick a football, on the grounds that it';s too hot. "You Big wuss's" I said. But... it is steaming, stinking and altogether awful aussie weather. Now I told them to re-watch the DvD we got last night. That gives me a breather of 90 mins.

Ever have those times when so much hinges on just ONE thing ? I mean.... not everthing hinges on this one thing for me, but ALOT does.
Its my loan application. I've finally, finally got my act together financially and have found a way out of my past mistakes, messess, bad choices and history of overextending myself bringing up three kids as a single parent which.. at times caused me to borrow, when I shouldnt have.
I have three loans Im consolidating into one, with a great interest rate and repayments which will see me DEBT free - in 3 and half years...!!!

No big deal in some ways... but its silly paying of three loans, one of which is a credit card of four grand... and one with a stupidly high interest rate, and another car loan.. blah blah.... wrap them all up in one neat personal loan and Im consolidated, simplified , managable, and the huge light at the end of the tunnel is finally real. It does exsist!

I've finished all my paperwork and am off to lodge it.

If this goes OK... I will feel a weight in my life has lifted incredibly. That I do have hope, that I can have a future and that my job of raising kids and all the bills and loans and money dramas will be complete and finito.

I have a good paying job, but recently Ive thought, it will take me till Im 50 to pay this crap off, and then Ill need a new car and have to do it all over... Ill never get overseas.

but now.. thats all changed with common sense, and some final maturity to take control.

So this is a time of change for me... no longer having to provide for three kids, only one part time and I can finally see that my own life is emerging. I wont have loads of spare cash, but I should have a reasonable lifestyle in any case. A good home, a decent car, money to occasioally have some fun with. blah blah.... but once my loan is done, I can either save for overseas or just , save!

Jem is my place till friday. He is off with his pal this afternoon, and Im off to lodge the loans.. we had rain today. Im wearing my new Elwood tshirt my daughter got me for Xmas. I had a nice compliment of a teenager sunday, she told me, I didnt look like a regular mum.! ha... I suppose that means I look younger and am not uber dorky... made me feel 'aright tho.

things are looking up ....